Be on your own team

“Be on your own team” – it should be an obvious choice and something that comes naturally. Everyone else is putting their needs first and doing what’s in their best interests yet I’m still stuck here doing anything but what is best for me. It’s not even that I’m trying to people please, I just can’t seem to please myself (and probably can’t do that for anyone else as a result). I put up with too much crap from other people and let them control my happiness when that’s really the one thing in my life that should be under my own control. I want to feel happy and sad on my own terms. Even if someone’s clearly not doing right by me or hurting me, I can’t seem to see that. I see that I’m doing something wrong and that it’s my fault – and thus it’s up to me to correct it. I end up grovelling and blaming myself when I haven’t even done anything wrong, just to get someone (who clearly doesn’t care that much about me, let’s be honest) back on my side. But then what do I get out of it? Nothing. I don’t benefit from getting them back on my side – they just carry on like nothing’s happened, like I haven’t been hurt, like it’s only their feelings that matter. And then, guess what? They do it all over again and I fall apart.

 

Perhaps the most hurtful thing is that these people are the ones that I’ve opened myself up to – I’ve made myself so vulnerable, I’ve spilt my heart out and been (probably foolishly) honest about who I am and how my mind works – thinking about it, probably a school boy error. As soon as you tell people what makes you tick or what upsets you, all they’re going to do is use it against you once they decide that you’ve got one up on them. Definitely one of my major mistakes – telling my boyfriend that the thing that hurts me the most is when people ignore me (I’d much rather have a shouting match than that ever lingering silence).

 

I  don’t know what it is about being ignored – probably something about losing control and being completely dependent on the other person. Friends always tell me to just ignore him back – easier said than done. I end up turning into a complete stalker, trying to contact him by any means – texting, calling, emailing, facebook messaging if all else fails. Don’t get me wrong – that’s not me, I know I’m not the pestering, needy girl. I used to find ignoring them back so empowering, to the extent that it was usually them that came crawling back. Now my anxiety kicks in, my heart starts beating faster, I become panicky and feel myself losing my grip on reality. My mind runs manic. I try to sleep to escape from it, only to wake up an hour later even more anxious and with sweat running down my back. By the time I’ve managed to redirect my thoughts and, once again, become a sane human being, the damage has already been done. He thinks I’m a complete freak and definitely doesn’t want to text back the needy, pathetic and annoying girlfriend – definitely not what I was going for.

 

But I’m yet to establish whether that should really be the reaction I get from my boyfriend. I know I can be a complete pain, but I’m not choosing to be this way. I’d give anything to not react like that but as yet, nothing’s conquered my crazy alter ego. I’ve explained this to him and I really thought he understood but then came the “you blame everything on your illness” comment. But this IS my illness. If I wasn’t getting panicky and twitching my foot so much I get cramp then believe me, I would be leaving you well alone – why would I waste my time staring at my phone for hours on end for someone who is not going to text back any time soon otherwise? I wish he could understand that but I know he can’t just cave in every time he gets annoyed at me on the basis that I’m getting anxious – he should be able to feel angry at me and not feel guilty about it (pretty sure he has no remorse at all for the way he treats me, but for now I’m  telling myself that he does to make things more bearable… to somehow justify why I’m still holding on).

 

I could treat you to my standard mental health rant (luckily not today) – about how no one’s willing to talk about it openly, how you’re somehow oversharing if you try and explain that you feel like you’re losing yourself and your grip on reality because that’s something you should only be talking to a professional about. Yeah, whatever.

 

I guess the answer I’m looking for right now is why we cling on to men that clearly don’t care about us.

 

Picture this:

Your boyfriend’s been ignoring you all day. You find out he’s gone out to a club, got really drunk (and probably smoking too – so not attractive) and the next day up pop some photos on the dreaded social network sites of him with his arm around some girl (for whom you list possible insults for, should you ever meet her because clearly this is all down to her coming on to him..). He finds out you had some friends over for a film and that one of them was a guy he gets ridiculously jealous about, despite the fact that he has absolutely NOTHING to worry about – you’re committed to your boyfriend and this other guy will only ever be a friend, nothing more. Immediately he starts shouting abuse at you, telling you he hates you and that you’re a whore (ever the gentleman). Heaven forbid you mention his antics last night – you’ll only get shot down or told that you’re being needy and jealous (Kettle? Pot? Black?). No doubt by this point he’ll have used a string of (completely unjustified) insults – you’re in tears and he doesn’t seem phased at all. Give it half an hour – he’s calmed down and asks what’s wrong. SERIOUSLY? Did he just forget the last two hours of him hurling abuse? As ever, he accepts no responsibility for the things he’s said and says you started the argument (Sorry, pretty sure I thought I was in a relationship with a 20 year old – apparently not).

 

What you wish you’d done:	What you actually did:
Wiped those tears	Cried Wailed
Regained your composure	Lost your dignity
Stood up, brushed yourself off	Curled up in a ball and sobbed into a pillow
Taken the time to collect your thoughts	Sobbed
Told him the truth – he’s not treating you as he should and you deserve better	Wailed that you’re sorry and that you’ll change
Given him a choice – stay and treat you better or stay well away	Clinged on to his arm/sprawled on top of him and told him you can make this work
Maintained eye contact to show you’re being sincere	Maintained eye contact – maybe if you look really upset he’ll change his mind
Let him leave	Barricaded him in.
Given him time to think	Called him as soon as he left (after fighting through your oh so strong defences of course)
Stood your ground – you know you’re not in the wrong	Blamed yourself, insulted yourself and agreed with anything he had to say
Let him come to his own decision and be okay with whatever he decided	Talked him round, convinced him to stay and that you’ll change

Wait.

 

Thinking about it – why should we stay? Why should this be down to him?

 

I never considered the “GET OUT” option, I went straight to the “let’s talk this out” option. He’s treating you like complete crap – you know you would never treat anyone the way he treats you – so why are you trying to work on things? It’s clear he’s not the right guy for you, or else why would he make you cry?  But we’re convinced that he’s the one, that we can both make changes and be happy together. Maybe you can be transiently happy, but in this relationship new problems will arise and you’re always going to be trying to make something right. The longer you try to sort things out with him, and make him into the man you want him to be, the more of yourself you’re going to lose along the way and the less chance you have of finding Mr So Right . I care what people think of me – so while I don’t care that I’m personally losing my dignity, I hate to think that other people think I’m making a fool of myself. So what do I do? I act like everything’s okay, I justify the relationship to myself (and others) and make excuses for his behaviour – he was having a bad day, he was tired, he didn’t feel well and so on. And even after those horrible arguments when I (transiently) come to my senses and see that these things won’t ever improve, I still want to make everything okay again and to resolve things the next day, hoping that he’ll also be willing to make changes (despite having that same conversation about 10 times before).

 

And I’m sad to say this is exactly what’s just happened. He ignored me for days on end, I sent a few  lot of angry texts demanding that “we need to talk” (one of the most powerful phrases to get a man to pay attention to you – they know you mean business) and convinced myself I was done – “I’m a strong, independent woman and I do not need a man to complete me.” Pretty sure that’s what wise, successful women are supposed to say. Truth is, I’m not so strong and yes I’m independent but that doesn’t mean I want to be lonely.

 

At the end of the day, despite his flaws, I can’t keep away from him for long. I’d rather have a feisty, intense relationship than one with no spark. Our screaming matches during an argument and the endless calls ended by one of us hanging up is, I hate to say, worth it for the way he makes me feel – I’m not sure whether many people would agree, but ever the romantic, I choose someone who makes me feel everything (happy, sad, angry, supported, cared for) than someone who makes me feel nothing at all. (Plus, the make-up sex is amazing!)

Tags: anxiety, love, relationship problems, relationships, self esteem