This too shall pass.

So as you may or may not have gathered from ‘Be on your own team’, I’m not always as coherent and level-headed as I appear in my posts. I have an enormous amount of insight into the world around me, into why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, into why we all act the way we do. Yet, when I get anxious or down, that insight runs a mile and I spiral away from my sanity. I started this blog so that ‘sane me’ could write to ‘anxious me’ with some level-headed advice/words of wisdom and I’m happy to say it’s working so far (and apparently seems to be helping others too!)

Before I got The Diagnosis, I was pretty aware of mental illness and I’d like to think I was understanding and accepting of it. And I used to think the rest of the world was too. I’m no longer so naïve. I hate to sound like such a cynic, but if you’ve had a mental illness you’ll understand exactly where I’m coming from.

So as my depression deepened (around September last year) it got to the point that I felt I needed to explain to my housemates why I’d been hiding in my room for weeks on end, so I just blurted out ‘I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety’ presuming that the response would be supportive. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t rude or hostile, but it just wasn’t what I expected. I got the standard ‘I’m sorry to hear that’… but then not much after that. It wasn’t just the immediate reaction that left me feeling wounded, but also how they reacted in the long term. I’d kind of expected my announcement to create an environment where I could be open if I was feeling down, or that they would be more aware of my moods and thus try to step in if they could see I was deteriorating.

In a way, I understand why they don’t feel comfortable with taking about mental health – if you’ve never felt the aching pain of depression or the endless strain of anxiety, it’s hard to understand why we can’t just focus on something else and snap out of it. There’s no way they can understand what it’s like to feel like you’re losing your mind and your sense of self, to feel so alone and ashamed, to want to sleep all day so you can escape  and to even understand why you’ve ended up in this situation… but still not be able to pull yourself up. I know I have abandonment issues – my first proper boyfriend cheated on me with a friend of mine and my current boyfriend was abusive and controlling (he’s not now, don’t worry!). So I panic that people don’t like me and that they’ll leave me. I understand my emotions and thoughts… yet I still haven’t conquered it just yet. It’s the uncontrollable loss of rationality that scares most people off and I guess I can forgive them for that.

Another friend, L, had a break down 6 months before me and I was with her every step of the way. I texted her regularly to check she was okay and spent hours on the phone to her every weeks just trying to help her feel just that little bit better. I was with her every step of the way – we were best friends, I wouldn’t have dreamed of being anything less than supportive. But then when I realised everything was crumbling around me, she deserted me. She wasn’t there. As bitter as it sounds, she taught me not to expect so much from people because, at the end of the day, people will always put themselves first. So over the past 10 months or so, she’s apologised for not being there, we’ve gone back to being close and then just as I feel myself crumbling again, she disappears, deserts me… and then apologises again when she realises what she’s done. She keeps ringing me to try to sort this all out, but I don’t even know what to do about our friendship anymore.  (Any advice?)

If I could change anything about me, it wouldn’t be my anxiety and depression. While it’s been painful, it’s made me a stronger person and it’s enabled me to reach out to one of my close friends, J, who’s recently been diagnosed with a (slightly different) mental illness. I’ve been able to give to her what L wasn’t able to give to me. To make her feel like she’s not alone and that someone understands has helped me just as much as it’s helped her. If at first you can’t seem to find anyone who understands what you’re going through, just hang in there – you will find someone, I promise. People may pleasantly surprise you. So if you’re at rock bottom now – you’re still here, you’re still fighting. The first step is seeking help, going to a doctor and after that you’ve passed the hardest part. Things will get better in time – ride out each dip as it comes and you’ll come out the other end stronger. Have patience and have faith that things will change.

 

 

 

 

Tags: anxiety, depression, disappointment, fighting through, friendship, support, unsupportive